Competence Can Be Sexy
by Limited-Fantasy
Summary: A crack story featuring Loki pining after Agent Coulson because Coulson is just so...so...icompetent/i at everything he does! Another silly fill for norsekink. Warnings for implied bestiality and homosexual relations.


Mythology claimed that Loki once transformed into a mare and mated with a horse. Those who believe that myth undoubtedly thought the Trickster was a bit of a sexual deviant and he never bothered to correct such a view as it was exciting. The truth, as often a truth can be, was much less scandalous.

The truth...the reason why he mated with a horse wasn't because he could not outrun the beast and it was definitely not because he had a thing for non-bipeds - no, the truth was he had fallen quite madly in lust for Svaðilfari because he was competent at what he did and never failed his master. (That one time where he was chasing a very mare-like Loki through the woods, but that was godly interference, so it does not truly count against the horse's competence.)

Yes, that's right - what truly stirs the godly loins of the infamous Loki Silvertongue is a consistent show of competence.

And so, when he became a villain many centuries later on Midgard, it was only destiny that he would become besotted with one Agent Phil Coulson. Not only did the SHIELD agent always get out of one of Loki's dastardly deadly traps alive, but the main things that ever seemed to irritate the man was if there was dust on his suit or if he had to deal with even more paperwork and debriefings for the Avengers. And even when he was irritated, he would still manage to always appear in a fresh suit for duty and have all his paperwork and debriefings done in a timely fashion. Timely. Fashion.

Oh! Just thinking about the way Coulson put away his files neatly and carefully into his briefcase could send the most delightful of shivers down whatever creature Loki was pretending to be Loki's spine when he decided to (stalk like the evil villain creeper that he has always been) spy on the man.

And the best thing about Phil Coulson? He knew Loki was following him and didn't mind. (Well except for maybe that one time when Loki decided to be a fly on Coulson's bathroom mirror to watch him shower...)

Loki continued watching Coulson from afar, pretending to not see him during battles, and occasionally observing the man in various forms for about three months. At the end of those three months, after he caught sight of Coulson adjusting his tie after barely managing to not get crushed by a runaway ice cream truck, Loki was at the end of his patience. Something had to be done.

That "something" eventually turned out to be Loki appearing in Coulson's car the very next day.

"How can I help you, Loki?" He didn't even so much as flinch or sound surprised that the God of Mischief, the supervillain and arch-nemesis of the Avengers, was sitting in the passenger seat of his own private car on his way home. Loki almost swooned (actually, he kind of did, but Coulson wouldn't tell and Loki would rather lick his brother's boots than admit to such a show of ungodly weakness).

Loki spent the remainder of the ride completely silent, staring (creepily) wistfully at Coulson's steady hands on the wheel.

Unfortunately for Loki, just as Coulson pulled into the garage to his apartment, the agent's phone rang.

"Coulson speaking. No, I'm not busy. I'll be right over, Captain Rogers." In less than ten seconds, Loki found himself standing in the garage, watching the agent drive away undoubtedly toward the Avengers Mansion. His face darkened. Leave it to Thor and his silly mortal friends to ruin his fun!

That week, Loki continued to reappear in Coulson's car after work and the Avengers continued to call the agent to run errands just before enough blood returned to Loki's head for him to tell Coulson just how he wanted to be helped.

Suffice to say, when the Avengers all ended up in a dark, padded cell the next afternoon with various appendages stuck to the walls or each other for nearly twenty-four hours, they really had it coming.

And so did Coulson, but it was a decidedly more pleasant sort of coming (multiple times).


End file.
